Funny Story 20

There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
Submitted by Jim J. Johnson Read more

Funny Story 19

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. Read more

Funny Story 18

A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"
Submitted by Suwan Kansanoh Read more

Funny Story 17

Student to teacher," Are 'pants' singular or plural?"
Teacher, "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom."
Submitted by Emil Read more

Funny Story 16

Two old men were sitting next to each other on the London subway (tube). Their hearing wasn't so good.
One says, "Is this Wembley?"
"No," the other says, "It's Thursday."
The first replies, "No thanks, I already had a drink."
Submitted by Kevin Ryan Read more

Funny Story 15

Here's an old joke (revamped for EFL classes).

Three EFL students are walking down the road to their remedial listening comprehension workshop.

"It's windy" says the first.
"No it isn't, it's Thursday" says the second.
"Me too." says the third, "Forget the listening, let's go for a drink!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly Read more

Funny Story 14

These are true stories.

Emiko shared a house with an American guy and his dog. Every month, he puts some flea medicine on his dog. One day, when he was putting the medicine, he told Emiko, "This flea medicine is expensive." She was confused and asked him, "Expensive? Didn't you just say it was FREE?"

Emiko went to a sandwich café with her American roommate. A waitress asked what they wanted. Emiko said, "I have a crab sandwich." Her roommate ordered a turkey sandwich. After a few minuets, their orders were ready. They sat at the table and got a bite. After a bite, Emiko showed her sandwich and said, "There is no crab." "What do you mean? You've got ham, bacon, and…," with a big smile on his face, he said to Emiko, "You wanted to eat CRAB. Not a CLUB sandwich." Read more

Funny Story 13

My student who did not speak much English wanted to impress me one day. She had to walk past me while I was talking to someone. She said, "Excuse me, can I pass away?"
Submitted by Amelia Read more

Funny Story 12

A young man comes before a customs agent.

A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"
Submitted by Carlos Manuel Hernandez Read more

Funny Story 11

English Teacher: "Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you have a watch. What time is it?"
Johnny: "2 o'watch."
Submitted by Jing Wen Read more

Funny Story 10

A: Did you hear about the guy with the corduroy pillow?
B: No, I didn't.
A: Really? It made headlines!
Submitted by Dale Ehrlich; Seoul, Korea Read more

Funny Story 8

Lynn: Tom's always running into cars in front of him at traffic lights making dents.
Max: Is he really? A wreckless type, huh? What does he do for a living?
Lynn: He is a dent-ist.

(If the student can also speak Japanese, then continue the joke.)

Max: I suppose he's had to pay a lot in damages.
Lynn: No. He usually says "sorry" and gets away with it.
Max: Don't they complain?
Lynn: It may be strange, but they don't.
Max: What are they afraid of?
Lynn: They're afraid of shikaeshi from the dentist!

(For those of you who don't speak Japanese, "shikaeshi" means revenge or getting back at someone while "shikaishi," which sounds similar, refers to a dentist.)
Submitted by Seiichi Nakada, Pu.D (a doctor of punology) Read more

Funny Story 7

There were two spies escaping from the enemy over the Alps into neutral Switzerland during the war. As they began to feel safe, one spy starts to tell the other what he found out in enemy territory. The other tells him to speak quietly.
"Why?", asks his friend a little perplexed. "There's nobody around for miles. I could scream and not a soul would hear us up here.....!"
"Ah," replied the other,"haven't you heard? There are mountain ears?"
(mountaineers)
Submitted by Paddy Greenleaf, teacher IH Viseu, Portugal Read more

Funny Story 9

A: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?
B: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.
A: What happened?
B: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!
Submitted by Bob Burgel, Vancouver Read more

Funny Story 6

This is the same joke as above, but an earlier submission and worded differently.

Three brothers started a cattle ranch out west. They were very successfull, but could not agree what to call their ranch. They finally agreed to wire their father back east and abide by his decision. He replied at once they should call it "focus". They did so, but now argued endlessly about why he had given them that name. They sent him another wire to ask why that name. He replied, "Simple, because focus is where the sun's rays meet (son's raise meat)."
Submitted by Don Holzworth Read more

Funny Story 5

One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill.

A student asked, "What's the matter?"

"Tense," answered the teacher, describing how he felt.

The student paused, then continued, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"

Submitted by: Fredric Read more

Funny Story 4

There once was a very large lady in our town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew her when she was young, but she had a much smaller size.
Why do you think she is now wearing a size 16?
I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).
Submitted by David Trimingham Read more

Funny Story 3

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!" Read more

Funny Story 2

Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar.
Submitted by: Brian Madden Read more

Funny Story 1

The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.

Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.

The old man said "you're velcome."
Submitted by: Brian Madden

Read more